Leadership breaks down when emotions are ignored, so problems get buried until they explode. In this article, Jef Menguin explains how emotional intelligence works and how to develop it through daily practice, not personality. Read it and share it with your team so you create a healthier culture and better decisions under pressure.
Mark is a department head in a mid-sized company. Smart. Reliable. Always prepared. In meetings, he speaks clearly and backs his points with data. On paper, he’s steady.
But last quarter, two senior team members asked to transfer out of his group.
When HR asked why, the feedback didn’t attack him. It cut deeper than that. “He’s not rude,” one said. “But meetings feel heavy.” Another added, “You can’t push back.” Someone else said, “When things get tense, he doesn’t notice.”
Mark felt blindsided. He thought leadership meant clarity and correctness. Say the right thing. Decide fast. Move on.
People don’t just work with ideas. They work with emotions.
Do you know someone like Mark? Or have you sat in a meeting that felt technically fine, but emotionally off—like everyone was holding their breath?
That’s where emotional intelligence walks in. Not as a topic. As a missing skill.
The room remembers your emotions
Emotional intelligence is the ability to notice what’s happening inside you, manage it well, and respond skillfully to what’s happening in others.
Not in theory.
In moments.
It shows up when feedback stings and you don’t rush to defend. When tension rises and you slow the room instead of speeding it up. When silence appears and you don’t fill it just to calm your own nerves.
Many articles define emotional intelligence like a checklist. Self-awareness. Empathy. Social skills. Done.
That’s not wrong. It’s just not enough.
Emotional intelligence isn’t something you have. It’s something you practice—especially when your body wants to react before your brain can think.
When emotions wear office clothes
Most workplace problems don’t arrive as emotional problems. They arrive as “professional” problems.
A missed deadline that’s really avoidance. A heated debate that’s really fear of losing control. A quiet employee who has learned it’s safer to disappear than to speak.
I worked with Ana, a project manager juggling three cross-functional teams. She was competent, calm, and constantly tired. People described her as “strong,” but her calendar told a different story.
Her issue wasn’t workload. It was emotional drag.
She absorbed everyone’s stress. She carried unspoken tension from one meeting to the next. She avoided hard conversations until they exploded. When we mapped her week, the pattern was obvious: decisions stalled not because of missing data, but because of unspoken feelings.
Unmanaged emotions don’t vanish. They leak.
They leak into meetings, emails, tone, and trust. Then trust erodes. Then performance follows. Slowly at first. Then suddenly.
Four places where work gets stuck
To make this practical, I like breaking emotional intelligence into four domains. Not as labels. As lenses.
Think of them as four places where work either flows—or clogs.
The moment you notice yourself
Self-awareness is the ability to catch what’s happening inside you while it’s happening.
James, a sales director, told me, “I’m just passionate.” What he meant was: “I raise my voice when someone challenges me.” He wasn’t trying to intimidate anyone. He was trying to win the moment.
In one session, we replayed a meeting he described as “productive.” As he talked, he noticed something small: his jaw tightened right before he interrupted. He had felt that tightness a hundred times, but he never named it. He just acted on it.
That tiny signal became his early warning system.
Self-awareness doesn’t erase emotion. It exposes it. And what you can see, you can steer.
The choice you make under pressure
If self-awareness helps you spot the wave, self-management helps you choose what to do next.
This is where many leaders slip.
They feel frustrated—and they speak anyway. They feel threatened—and they push harder. They feel tired—and they hit send.
Self-management isn’t pretending you’re fine. It’s refusing to let your impulse drive the room.
It’s choosing tone over adrenaline. It’s buying time. It’s saying, “Not now,” even when your body screams, “Now.”
Have you ever sent a message you wished you had softened—or delayed by ten minutes?
That gap between feeling and action is where emotional intelligence lives.
Read the room, not the slide
Social awareness is your ability to notice what others feel, even when they don’t say it.
Leaders often manage the agenda but miss the atmosphere. They deliver the plan and ignore the people receiving it.
Liza, an operations manager, once told me, “The plan was clear. I don’t get why they resisted.” But in the room, arms crossed. Questions stopped. Energy dropped. The silence grew thick.
She had managed content. She hadn’t read context.
Social awareness helps you sense confusion before it hardens into resistance. It helps you notice when silence means hesitation, not agreement.
You don’t need to read minds. You need to stay present long enough to see patterns.
The conversation you don’t want to start
Relationship management is where everything comes together.
This is how you handle feedback, conflict, disagreement, and repair. Not perfectly. Skillfully.
It’s disagreeing without humiliating. Correcting without crushing. Holding the relationship steady while addressing the issue.
Most leadership failures don’t come from bad intent. They come from mishandled moments.
A joke that landed wrong. A correction done in public. A concern dismissed too quickly. An apology delayed too long.
Emotional intelligence helps you handle those moments—and recover when you don’t.
Which of these four felt familiar? Which one felt uncomfortable? Not because it’s your issue—but because you’ve seen it happen in real life.
The meeting where nobody pushes back
Let’s make this concrete.
Picture a Monday leadership meeting. The agenda is tight. The slides are clean. The updates are fast. Everyone nods.
Then the meeting ends—and the real conversations happen in private chats.
That’s one of the clearest signals of low emotional intelligence in a team: people don’t speak truth in the room. They speak it outside the room, where it feels safer.
If you’ve led a team long enough, you’ve seen this. The leader thinks, “We’re aligned.” The team thinks, “We survived.”
Emotional intelligence is what turns a meeting from a performance into a real conversation.
Ten workplace moments that reveal EI
You don’t need a personality test to spot emotional intelligence. You can see it in everyday behavior, especially when pressure shows up.
Consider these as mirrors. Not accusations. Just patterns you can recognize.
A manager gives feedback and watches the employee shut down. Instead of pushing harder, the manager pauses and asks, “What part feels heavy?” That’s emotional intelligence.
A team member gets corrected in public. You notice their face tighten. After the meeting, you pull them aside and repair the moment instead of pretending nothing happened. That’s emotional intelligence.
A client escalates. Your chest tightens. You feel the urge to blame someone. You slow down and ask, “What do we know for sure, and what are we assuming?” That’s emotional intelligence.
A colleague interrupts you. You feel heat rising. You don’t snap. You name the behavior calmly: “Let me finish, then I want to hear your point.” That’s emotional intelligence.
A meeting goes quiet after you ask a question. You don’t rush to fill the silence. You let it breathe. Someone finally speaks. That’s emotional intelligence.
A teammate misses a deadline again. You feel frustrated. You don’t attack. You separate the person from the pattern: “Help me understand what keeps getting in the way.” That’s emotional intelligence.
A high performer starts making small mistakes. You don’t label them as “lazy.” You get curious: “Is something going on outside work?” That’s emotional intelligence.
Two departments clash. You don’t “solve” it by forcing agreement. You first lower the emotional temperature. You ask each side to name what they care about. That’s emotional intelligence.
You realize you were too sharp in an email. You don’t justify it as “just being direct.” You send a repair message. That’s emotional intelligence.
You disagree with your boss. You don’t gossip. You don’t explode. You frame your pushback with respect and clarity: “Here’s the risk I’m seeing, and here’s what I recommend.” That’s emotional intelligence.
Notice what these examples have in common.
They don’t require charisma. They require control.
They don’t require being “nice.” They require being awake.
This changes how you lead
Low emotional intelligence says: “I’m right, so it should work.”
High emotional intelligence says: “I may be right, but I still need to lead the moment.”
Low emotional intelligence tries to win the argument. High emotional intelligence tries to keep the relationship strong enough to solve the problem.
Low emotional intelligence pushes. High emotional intelligence steers.
That’s why emotionally intelligent leaders look “calm.” It’s not personality. It’s practice.
Four micro-habits to build EI this week
If emotional intelligence is a skill, you don’t build it with motivation. You build it with reps.
Not big reps. Small, repeatable reps.
Here are four micro-habits—one for each domain. Try them for seven days and see what changes.
Self-awareness: Name it before you say it
When you feel a strong emotion rising, don’t speak yet. Label it in your head.
“Annoyed.” “Nervous.” “Threatened.” “Embarrassed.”
The label creates space. It interrupts the automatic reaction. It gives you a handle.
If you want a metaphor: naming the emotion is like turning on the lights in a dark room. You stop bumping into furniture you didn’t know was there.
Self-management: Buy ten seconds
When you want to react, give yourself ten seconds.
Breathe once, slowly. Look down at your notes. Ask a clarifying question instead of making a statement.
Ten seconds sounds small. But it’s enough to stop an emotional hijack.
Ten seconds is the difference between “I’m upset” and “I’m leading.”
Social awareness: Watch the body, not just the words
In your next meeting, pick one person and watch their signals.
Are they leaning in or pulling back? Are they fidgeting or relaxed? Are they speaking freely or measuring every word?
You don’t need to interpret everything. You just need to notice. Then you can ask better questions.
“Am I moving too fast?” “Do we need to pause?” “What’s not being said?”
Relationship management: Repair within 24 hours
If you sense you hurt, embarrassed, dismissed, or pressured someone—repair the moment within a day.
Don’t make it dramatic. Make it clean.
“I think I came across too sharp earlier. That wasn’t my intention.” “I want to reset that conversation. Can we try again?” “I value our working relationship, so I want to clarify.”
This habit alone can change a team’s emotional climate. People don’t need perfect leaders. They need leaders who repair.
“Can you learn emotional intelligence?”
Yes. And it’s worth saying plainly.
Emotional intelligence isn’t a gift. It’s a set of behaviors you can practice until they become default.
Some people grew up in environments that trained them to read emotions well. Others grew up in environments where emotions were dangerous, ignored, or mocked. Work then becomes the place where those patterns show up.
That’s why emotionally intelligent leadership feels rare. It asks you to unlearn reflexes.
But skills are learnable. And teams can change when leaders change.
Case Studies
Indra Nooyi, PepsiCo.
Nooyi’s leadership style is marked by empathy and deep care for her employees. This exemplified emotional intelligence. She implemented policies that took into account the well-being of her employees. This led to a more motivated and committed workforce.
Howard Schultz, Starbucks.
Schultz emphasized creating a culture of belonging and dignity at Starbucks. This is a testament to his high EI. His ability to connect with employees and customers alike has been central to the company’s success.
Emotional intelligence is a fundamental component of effective leadership. We live in a world where automation and artificial intelligence are on the rise. The uniquely human skill of EI has become more crucial than ever.
Nurturing your emotional intelligence is not just a pathway to personal growth. It is a strategic imperative for sustainable success.
The leaders of tomorrow will be those who can lead not just with their minds, but with their hearts as well.
A few questions people quietly ask about EI
Some leaders want the simple answer before they commit to practice, so let’s address a few common questions.
Is emotional intelligence more important than IQ at work? IQ helps you solve problems. EI helps you solve problems with other humans. Most roles need both. Leadership roles especially.
What are signs of low emotional intelligence in a manager? Meetings feel unsafe. Feedback feels like punishment. People withhold truth. Conflict goes underground. The manager “wins” conversations but loses trust.
How do you practice EI when you’re stressed? You don’t aim for perfect. You aim for a pause. You build a tiny ritual—name the emotion, buy ten seconds, ask one question, repair fast.
The 2-minute EI self-check
Reading an article can feel good. But you don’t want “felt good.”
You want traction.
So here’s your next step: a simple Emotional Intelligence Self-Check (Workplace Edition)—12 statements, quick scoring, and a clear recommendation based on your lowest domain.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, but what do I work on first?” This tool will tell you.
And if you’re a leader thinking, “This feels like my team,” this gives you a non-threatening way to start a real conversation.
The shift to try in the next 24 hours
Don’t try to “be emotionally intelligent.”
That’s too big. Too vague.
Try this instead:
In your next tense moment, choose one pause. Name the emotion. Then ask one better question.
That’s the rep.
That’s the work.
And if you want a line to keep in your head, use this:
Shift from reacting to reading.
Because when you read the moment well, you lead the moment well.
And the room feels lighter—not because problems disappear, but because people finally feel safe enough to solve them together.
